Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.
